It's one of those days...
There are days when I wake up that I just want to go right back to sleep (it's called depression). It comes in waves and has distinct seasons. I'm trying to get more attuned to understanding the patterns and anticipating the triggers so that I can better manage the dark clouds. It's a two steps forward, one step back kind of a journey. Often times it feels like an old lover that tempts you back under their spell for one glorious night and then leaves you to wake up in the morning, alone. Before you even open your eyes you know you're back in the same horrible place again, hating yourself for not having seen it coming. It's something that feels impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't dealt with it, much like trying to explain hallucinogenics to a non drug user. It's another world entirely, but can feel like the only one that's really real. I've gotten better at owning it and by that I mean accepting it and allowing myself to talk about it. For most of my life it's felt like a shameful secret and something that made me a weak person. Part of it is aging, but I just DGAF about what people think as much anymore. If you're gonna judge me for my mental health issues, that's your own damn business and good luck with that way of existing in the world. What I've realized is this: we're all on our own paths and comparing yours to anyone else's (which is hard not to do in this social media obsessed world we live in), is an exercise that only leaves you feeling like a big turd. And ain't nobody got time for that! People are showing you their highlight reels and the reality is that literally everyone is struggling with something. A yacht and a million in the bank sounds fly AF but as Diddy wisely said, mo money mo problems! I digress. What I really want you to know is that if you struggle with depression, I feel you! Or, as my friend Jen Pastiloff says, I got you! We're on this solo trip together, like two tress growing side by side reaching up to the sky. Life is full of paradoxes and I don't think it's "meant to be." It just is. I love you! XOXO
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